Tara in the Tree.

I turned 24 last Sunday, which was why I did not bless you with comedic content. I was busy indulging in wondrous food and beverages. But here we are.

Everyone has a birthday, obviously. So why is it, girls dedicate an entire month to their own? Jessica, we really don’t care that you’re turning 26. We just don’t. There is absolutely 100% zero reason to celebrate longer than your actual birthday. When it comes down to it, what the hell are we actually celebrating?

Is it…

Option A: “CONGRATULATIONS! You were shoved out of a vagina (or ripped from a uterus via cesarean section) X amount of years ago! You did absolutely nothing to participate in this, but here we are! Nice!”

Or maybe…

Option B: “CONGRATULATIONS! Over the past 365 days, you managed to not hurl yourself off of the top of a bridge!”

Too dark? Whoops.

Birthdays are funny for this. Why are they such a celebratory thing? Of course, though, I’m a hypocritical thot and wanted to participate in some activities. I was ready to rumble all week.

Stanton and I originally planned to rent a boat on Saturday, Aug. 1 but it was cold and raining. 60 degrees in August? Get out of here. We intended on being on the lake all day. Rather than driving back to our dwelling an hour plus north, we wanted to stay the night and imbibe beverages and consume culinary cuisine. Effingham has plenty of options to do just that, so we booked a hotel and called it good. A beer is a beer anywhere.

I wanted to eat at Pinky’s, because it’s on the lake and we had never been. But it was closed because of the ‘Rona, so I suggested we go to Thumb’s instead.

After consuming grub, we hopped, skipped and jumped to several bars. We decided to go to a bar Stan would frequent when he lived in the Effingburg. After we had been there for a drink or two, this guy walked outside to smoke and came back inside. It’s about 9:30/10 p.m. at this time.

A GIRL IS IN THE TREE!” he said with his eyes incredibly wide. “SHE’S UP THERE!” I was getting scared they might pop out of his head.

I didn’t think much of “a girl in a tree.” I guess I just imagined a girl, maybe 10 to 12 years old, climbing a small to medium-sized tree. That’s really not a sight to freak out over, though, so I was curious.

We walked out of the bar soon after, and the whole block was staring across the street to the courthouse lawn. Some people were holding their beers and/or cigarettes and yelling up to the giant plant. Police cars and a few fire trucks lined the street and city block. There were about 5 to 7 emergency vehicles of sorts. One fireman was decked out in his gear and had a ladder, prepared to climb up and get her down. However, the ladder turned out to be far too short.

Okay, soooo….. Someone being in a tree is a huge deal in Effingham, apparently.

I glanced over at a small crowd of people staring up at a ~80-foot-tall pine tree near the old courthouse. This tree was definitely not short. Also, a PINE tree? How does one climb this? Stan said that tree was the same one the city would light up during Christmas time.

We crossed the street to join the crowd. Police or fire or someone with authority was shining a spotlight on the person in the tree. You couldn’t actually see much of her, because the branches covered her and whatnot. You could tell where she was located though, because the branches were moving. I actually only saw her arm. She was damn near to the top—the angel on top of the Christmas tree, if you will. I was just gawking at this sight. It’s not something I was expecting to see at all, but I wasn’t disappointed one bit.

As you can see, or as you can’t rather, the woman in the tree was quite concealed. The arrow points to where she was, though.

Whoever this girl was in the tree, she shouted at the cops and everyone around. Some bystanders gave us a brief back story: Apparently this lady was on meth, which explains the extreme spider monkey-like endurance to climb the tallest tree in Effingham County. The spectators went on to tell us this girl, whose name is allegedly Tara, was incredibly angry at the police earlier that evening. She was inside of the jail, because her boyfriend was busted for meth. Okay, fair enough. She was mad because her dude got arrested, right? If Stan got busted for meth, I’d also be irked. But her reasoning was…. Peculiar. She wasn’t mad her boyfriend was arrested, she was pissed she, too, was not arrested. I don’t know if she thinks they would have shared the same cell, or what. But Tara was TRIGGERED.

She ran from the jail to the Santa house, and ended up in the tree for a couple of hours.

After we watched this surprise show for about five to ten minutes, the cops and firemen all packed up and started walking away. They had given up. After all, is it illegal to be in a tree? Maybe it’s illegal to be on meth in a tree. I’ll check the city ordinances and let you know. I’m not sure if only city police showed up or if county did as well. I swear I saw a state trooper. I just remember seeing one of those silly brown hats. As the officers left, one just gave me a look as if she was fed up. I don’t blame her. It was too early for that nonsense.

Another officer walked by me, leaned in and quietly said, “Don’t do meth,” so I just told him “no kidding.”

The cops left, leaving some guy named Jimmy to be the hero. He went up to the tree and attempted to be the meth head whisperer.

“Tara, it’s me Jimmy. What’s up?” he said.

Well, dude, she is “what is up.” She’s 1,000 feet in a tree.

The woman did not find Jimmy very interesting, so she stayed in the tree. Stan and I went into another bar. We were in there for about an hour and when we left, things got weirder. Can you believe it?

Tara was still in the tree, and a crowd was still around her.

“SHOW US YOUR TITS,” a guy yelled. The crowd pleaded.

Tara did as she was told. Stan said he was pissed he couldn’t see anything. (Divorce.) She was also yelling about how it was for breast cancer awareness? I’m not quite sure if that is a thing, but yes. Then she started singing Firework by Katy Perry, and to be honest, she wasn’t a bad singer. Okay. So not only is Tara methed out in a tree, she is also naked and methed out in a tree, singing mediocre pop songs. She was naked, and evidently, not afraid.

We lost interest quickly and went to another bar. It’s been a week so far, and word on the street is Tara is still in the tree.

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